Change has a lot to do with what I am being open and willing to give up, not take, from God. For example, I used to pray to God to make changes in me I didn’t think I could do, like not eat so much. However, today I know better. Today, I acknowledge and turn over to God what I am willing to surrender, and then God gives me the strength and the power to do just that. It doesn’t mean God does it for me, even though, sometimes it feels like that is what has happened.
So, the key to my change has been having enough “willingness” to give up what doesn’t work for me anymore and then to utilize the power and strength I am given by God. Yet, I can make those changes only when I believe and accept the gift of strength and power available to me.
To me, it only makes sense to take responsibility for my behavior, because, the results are an improved me. The promise being, when I surrender I am given full use of my God-given potential. Which means, I have to do the footwork whether I like doing the footwork or not. “Dependence on my creator within is really freedom from all other dependencies. So, while footwork is necessary, it seldom pays off in a linear fashion. According to Julia Cameron, “It seems to work like we shake the apple tree and the universe delivers oranges”.
From my experience, spiritual dependency has been a gradual process. It’s been a process of getting to know and trust my internal voice. Even though there was so much internal chatter I needed to let go of.
Quiet meditations helped me do that as did periodically giving up reading, television, music and socializing for short periods of time. By acknowledging and tossing out the old and unworkable, I make way for the new and the suitable. I make my own promised land, my own frontier.
At this point in my life, I have not given up my country club lifestyle. However, I do my best to make healthy choices with people whose choices do not revolve around my recovery program. It’s not always workable as “ideally” as I’d like. Still, I have accepted and adapted, to the best of my ability, to the individual differences I deal with by being a part of a community that eats out a lot, drinks and whose lives are focused on playing golf. I don’t drink. I don’t play golf and with my friends. However, I do tend to go out way too much. It is at these times I gamble with choices that don’t work well for me and tend to overeat.
My writing in the morning pages has been one of my symbolic ways to express my willingness to speak to and hear God. As I identify with new behaviors I begin trusting my perceptions of what works and what doesn’t work in my best interest, in my situations, and in the interest of my relationships with others. I am letting go to shifts in creating a healthier identity one step at a time. Each day I believe a stronger and clearer me is emerging. It’s a blessing to be able to see that.
To me it’s a process of adding in and letting go, letting go and adding in. Letting go of starvation diets and adding in a plan of moderate eating. Letting go of problem foods that lead me to binge and adding in consistently the healthy fruits and vegetables my body needs to function well. Letting go of what others do and calling what I do deprivation. Letting go of grazing all day to having regular mealtimes. Letting go of Sarah Lee and See’s rich chocolates and mindless foods like popcorn to nourishing my body with foods that give me energy and vitality. The keys here are acknowledging, willingness, surrendering, and doing the footwork to the best of my ability. The promise being a transformation that brings a healthier, stronger, cleaner and consequently a much happier me. It brings an intimacy with myself and others that leaves me feeling very blessed and much more alive and part of several communities. As I change my reactions and my behaviors, I find new-found freedoms each step of the way.
If I want to change the body I have to change the food I put into it and how I treat my body. There were many times I didn’t like the new foods that I was putting in my body. Beets for example, I hated them. But miracles happen and now beets in my salad are a favorite. Thank you, God. By working against myself consistently and not eating foods I thought I wanted and started eating foods I didn’t think I wanted, I not only came to prefer those foods; I started noticing the gifts of losing weight, having more energy and experiencing a clearer mind. This has done wonders for my self-esteem. No more uncomfortable clothes, no more unhealthy beauty products and no more burning my skin in the hot Arizona sun. Plenty of rest and relaxation and gifts that pamper are things my body delights in these days. Plus, my partnership with the loving God of my understanding enhances as long as I hang in there with the process of change.
The same goes for my personality. The process is about letting go and adding in. First, I must identify, become willing, surrender and do the footwork to the best of my ability. The best of my ability does not have anything to do with perfection for I am always in a place of learning and growing and more is inevitably revealed when I am willing to learn and grow in this amazing process. Fear is usually involved when I am not willing and it will hang around along with the consequences of my behavior until I decide to give it up. When I change my mind and accept the gift of strength along with my God given potential to overcome, as is promised; when I truly surrender and am willing to do the footwork I do receive the miracles and I am filled with gratitude. So it is really very crazy not to let go and surrender.
By letting go of characteristics of self will
By adding in Characteristics of God’s will
Selfish and self-seeking Interest in others
Dishonesty Honesty
Frightened Courage
Inconsiderate Considerate
Pride Humility-seeking God’s will
Greedy Giving or sharing
Lustful What can I do for others
Anger Calm
Envy Grateful
Sloth Take-action
Gluttony Moderation
Impatient Patient
Intolerant Tolerance
Resentment Forgiveness
Hate Love-concern for others
Harmful acts Good deeds
Self-pity Self-forgetfulness
Self-justification Humility-seek God’s will
Self-importance Modesty
Self-Condemnation Self-forgiveness
Suspicion Trust
Doubt Faith
These qualities that come from God are always within me. They are valuable tools. All people have these powers from God, powers for good, in their personalities. By clinging to self-will I block that which I desire most. No one learns to be a master at the piano overnight as is the case with changing from self-seeking behaviors to aligning our will with God’s will. Recovery is a process. I choose to be kind to me in the process, to learn and grow at the pace that my loving God shows me is best for me.
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