Last night I watched the movie A Beautiful Boy. It’s about a father’s journey through his son’s addiction. There are several heartbreaking scenes depicting the impact of drugs, not just on the addict, but on the family as a whole. When someone in the family is an addict whether it be drugs, alcohol, compulsive overeating or any number of other addictions the dynamics of the family spiral down along with the addict who uses his or her drug to solve what’s eating them. In the movie David, (Steve Carrell) says to his addicted son Nick (Timothee Chalamet)
“Why? I thought we were closer than most fathers and sons. This isn’t who we are.” With neither understanding the withdrawal from the beautiful family it used to be.
No one in the family is free of pain or fear when an addict spirals his or her way to unmanageability. As was the case in “A beautiful Boy.” As I watched the movie I could feel remnants from my own history with my drug and alcohol addicted mother and the anger of my father. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I watched father and son, so badly wanting to connect, as it had been, only being able to battle using anger and rage while misunderstanding each other’s deepest intent. Neither understood that drugs and alcohol were not the real
Resentment, hurt, pain, and fear all difficult feelings can be buried deep into a person’s unconscious. Particularly in a family that labels feelings as weak or undesirable to talk about. In my family I was told I was too emotional from a very young age. The family rules included don’t feel and don’t talk about what goes on in this house outside of this house. With rules like these is it’s any wonder, drugs, alcohol and food become solutions to a young mind or not so young mind. I have written before at a very young age my home was like a war zone with parents raging at each other under the influence. Regular visits from the police separated my parents, leaving me and my brother at home with our alcoholic mother, who then drowned herself in whatever substance was handy. The point I want to make is we all needed help. I believe addictions are a family affair.
Og Mandino, wrote in The Greatest Saleman in the World, “inside me is a wheel turning from sadness to joy, from exultation to depression, from happiness to melancholy. Like the flowers, today full bloom of joy will fade and wither into despondency, yet I will remember that as today’s dead flower carries the seed of tomorrow’s bloom, so too, does today’s sadness carry the seed of tomorrow’s joy”.
Feelings just are and they are an important part of each of us. Our feelings are not our problem. Our problem is, and I believe this is epidemic, we have great difficulty in honoring them and dealing with them in healthy ways. If we didn’t have feelings we would be robots. I believe God created us to be vibrant human beings. Vibrant human beings feel very much alive because they are in alignment with our creators love for us which is not conditional. I’m not good enough, adequate enough, loveable enough or worth it are not buried in shame deep because we feel them or because we no longer can access them. Vibrant people operate from love knowing they are enough, not because they are rich, have a successful career, or have big muscles or small waists.
What a different world this would be if we all knew how to deal with resentment in a healthy way. I personally would like to see healthy angered modeled in a child’s home and reinforced in the schools. Acknowledging that we have pain is a first step. Then identifying the source of it and its impact. Acknowledging what we are afraid of if we tell another or ask for help. Someone who is afraid is in a search for comfort. Drugs of choice are a quick fix and long-term misery. There are always “safe” people we can talk to who will help us move through any storm.
In my family my drug of choice was food. My food addiction started right around the age of 10 years. Alcohol came into the picture in my teens. My brother, who was three years younger than me got into drugs and gambling. I chose to find and get the help I needed. He refused help and believed he could fix himself. Addicts cannot fix themselves; they need help. With the help of an amazing community I am a healthy weight, and maintaining an 80 lb. weight loss. I don’t recall how many years. I haven’t had a drink of alcohol in thirty-two years. My brother was not so fortunate he died of a bullet wound to the head inflicted by him. This is where his thinking took him.
We all come into this world with a whole array of feelings. We all have pain and suffering. For me, when faced with the thought of taking that extra bite I have to decide do I want to live or die. Do I want to put my head on the pillow at night and feel good about my day or do I want to put my head on my pillow at night and have a shame attack? Fortunately, I rarely feel shame anymore because I continue to get help to keep me physically, emotionally and spiritually fit. Each and every day I do my best to keep my spirit coming from a loving place with myself, others, the planet and the God of my understanding, which I choose to call love.
We all fail, we all get rejected. People die. People treat us harshly. We don’t aIways achieve what we hoped to achieve. We all are beautiful people with feelings just because we are. It is the way we were created. I hope this inspires you to not hide how you feel buried under your drug of choice. Feel your pains; feel your joys don’t make them wrong. Walk away from anyone who tells you, “you shouldn’t feel that way”. Find help. 12 Step programs are families of choice for those that want to put down their drug and be shown a better way.
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