It is so amazing how the universe works sometimes. How things just fall into place. That is how my gift to you came about.
It was a bit gloomy outside when I woke up this morning. The kind of day that feels like a perfect day to write a short story or just write. I had no other plans except to do the usual morning routine that included writing three pages in The Artist’s Way Morning Pages Journal. I acknowledged my perfect thought about writing with a smile and made my plan for the day. I will write, I wrote to myself, followed up with an exclamation mark and Love, Bonnie. To some planning on how to spend a day wouldn’t be a big deal, but to me, it was a really big deal to pick writing today. I haven’t wanted to write anything more than my three pages in my morning pages journal since my husband passed away in February of 2015.
You see, yesterday I woke up and wanted to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep but I had a 7:30 am Rotary meeting. I’m not one to skip meetings unless I’m out of town or sick and I wasn’t out of town and I wasn’t sick. I have a commitment to my Rotarian family. Not honoring that commitment for an extra hour of sleep felt irresponsible. Deep down inside I believed going to the Rotary meeting was the right thing to do. So, I got my lazy body out of my bed, got myself cleaned up, grabbed a quick mug of coffee and got myself to that early morning meeting. Sometimes I resist getting up and doing my exercise routine too, but always feel better about me and life when I’ve completed my routine. My mind said go you’ll be glad you did. If I had missed out on that meeting, I may not be sitting here right now, excited about beginning to generously pass on to you what I intend to pass on to you. So, whatever goosed the moose, call it guilt or call it God, I am grateful I got up and showed up.
The speaker at the Rotary meeting was named Steve and he had written a couple of books and mentioned he was in a writing group in my area. Hearing he was in a writing group, in my area, grabbed my attention big time. I immediately forgot his name, what he would be speaking on and looked at my watch to see how long it would be before he would say any questions. When I get those gut grabs, I call it God calling. Impulsively I want what I want to know as soon as I can. I wanted to know more about the writing group. It’s similar to the immaturity of a child who wants a cookie before it’s even out of the oven. However, unlike the immaturity of a child, I listened to this very knowledgeable man as best I could. At some point, while he was doing his presentation, my mind reminded me getting this excited was progress because I haven’t wanted to write in a very long time. Also, unlike the immaturity of a child who wants what he wants when he wants it, I was so grateful for the explosion of excitement in finding out a writing class appeared to be close by. It just seemed so important, in those moments Steve was presenting, that I ask about the writing group. I also wasn’t getting an “A” in patience while I waited for the presentation to get to the point where questions could be asked. It turned out the group was meeting weekly less than two miles away from the Rotary meeting and my home.
Being in two recovery programs for more than thirty years I have learned not to believe in accidents and to believe when I trust the process of recovery I will be guided exactly to where I am meant to be and to people I am meant to learn and grow from and who are meant to learn and grow from me. I truly believe I was to be at that meeting yesterday. I hurried home after Rotary was over to get two of the books I had written not knowing how the writing group worked. But like a good girl scout would do I wanted to be prepared in case I needed to qualify as a published author to be part of the group. I hadn’t felt like I had a right to say in a long time, when asked what I do, to say “I am an author”. Instead, I would usually respond with, I dabble, doing a little of this and a little of that acknowledging my involvement in my service organizations, focusing on my career in a couple helping professions. I might slip that I had done some writing into the conversation and written a book on marriage if it felt appropriate, but the emphasis was usually on all the things I dabbled in and my commitment to the process of recovery. I never tried to sell my books; I would give away what I had at home if I thought my book would be beneficial.
I was a few minutes late in arriving at the meeting so I sat down in the first empty chair I saw. As I listened I could feel the passion of others as they read their stories. I was so impressed with the quality of the writing and with the positive acknowledgments and suggestions given to each person that read their work. I also could feel both the excitement in my body imagining me being part of this group and being able to acknowledge myself as a writer after such a long hiatus. A bit of fear cropped in me too but it didn’t last too long. The kind of fear I can often get when I compare my anything with others that I perceive to be above me or better than me. And I thought these new strangers were really good and then doubting that I might not be good enough or adequate enough to participate. I certainly didn’t want to wallow in doubt and shame when I was feeling so willing and excited to get out of my own slump and jump at the chance to be involved with other like-minded people. So, I kicked the doubter out of my head and when the meeting was to come to an end I introduced myself and felt very welcomed. One woman even asked where she could buy one of my books and I was happy to give her the copy I brought with me. Another encouraged me to volunteer to read some of what I had written in one of my books at the next meeting.
So, this morning I was again doing my writing in my Artists Way Morning Pages Journal and the words came to me “Why do you think it’s called a practice?” It’s what I use to say to clients when I was in private practice as a psychotherapist. I am always working on improving, and finetuning me, to be the best me I can be at something I care about. Choosing actively, to do my best to move through whatever I am resisting if it’s in my best interest to do so. As a therapist moving through behaviors of self-sabotage with a client is a major part of the therapy process for the client.
The next phrase while I was doing my writing that came to my mind came from a man named Bradley Bernstein who at the time was going to the Julliard School of music and teaching a workshop I was a participant in at The Escalen Institute at Big Sur, California called “Creating Musical Theater.” Just before I went on stage to perform for the audience he said to me, “Now that you’ve got it, go give it away”. I have never forgotten that phrase. I actually consider it selfish to hold something back that could benefit others as long as it’s done in a way where the recipient does not lose their dignity. I knew I wanted to be generous, not selfish and writing was a way I could generously give to other.
As I continued to write in my journal, I realized I didn’t want to write a novel, I didn’t care about writing another book, and being published was not a goal, or was having fun with writing short stories or anything where I am writing just to write. I want to write about what I really care about. It took me no time to connect that thought with my recovery program. I thought about how much my life has changed since I walked into those meeting rooms more than thirty years ago and how much I have learned from my step sisters and step brothers in both anonymous programs. I thought about the compassion I have for those with addictions that are still suffering and the people who love them. I acknowledged my decision and willingness to practice recovery as a spiritual way of life.
I feel so blessed to have been given a design for living that keeps me expecting miracles every day, guides me through each uncomfortable and traumatic situation and guides me to be at the right place at the right time just like it did when I got my body out of that comfortable bed and got myself to that early morning Rotary meeting. I live a life of abundance today and I am excited to put down on paper what I have been given and how I work the steps with no expectations of any outcomes. I trust I will be guided as I embark on this new journey.
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