I’M TAKING A LOOK AT SELFISH

Ever heard the phrase “I Self Me” often referred to as “ISM”.  Well, I never thought it was me.  I think of myself as extremely generous and sometimes generous to a fault.  And, that isn’t totally false. However, in exploring a bit further while on this journey called recovery, almost every day I am learning I am not as generous as I’d like to believe. So, I’m taking a look at “Selfish.”

How selfish is it when I think “if you were more like me” we would be happy, joyous and free?  Perhaps you would love it if I were more like you.  If so, this may make you selfish too. I love being around like people but I don’t grow if I don’t get out of my comfort zone on occasion. And, the universe does send me a significant amount of people that have strong opinions, as I have, and behave in ways that I just do not comprehend what they’re “good reason” for doing so is.  Isn’t not being willing to see they’re point of view selfish too.

I remember years ago, in San Francisco, when I used to stand on the street corners when someone was preaching, not my thing, and listening just because whatever they had to say was their trip.  I didn’t judge it harshly; I just realized it was different and there are all kinds of interests in the world.  But spring forward to someone close to me with an opinion and how often do I judge an idea, as not worthy of being listened to, and don’t give them the time of day? I’d say that’s a bit selfish. Yet, if I have something I want to be heard, I want another’s undivided attention and often I want special treatment and I want it now.

It’s an eye-opener to me to realize how wanting what others have and not appreciating what I have is a form of selfishness.  When I was in grade school I wanted Kay Nelson’s mom because she used to give us cookies and milk when we got out of school.  I loved going to her house. My mom was very sick when I was in grade school.  I remember being ashamed I didn’t have a mom like Kay Nelson did.  Pretty selfish of me even if it’s understandable.  But today I still have a fantasy about having a family more attentive to my wishes even though I am very capable and successful at having so many supportive families of choice. It’s selfish because my relatives have lives of their own, busy schedules and priorities that need to be tended to. I am not their responsibility. Yet, I do believe if I was really in need I wouldn’t be ignored. However, wanting more from them, when I want it, is definitely selfish at times.

When I first became a therapist in the seventies I was accused of thinking I’m better than others because I had big ideas and was a go-getter. I’m not sure that was really true. I did want to save the world and I did have opportunities present themselves that I wanted to take advantage of.

A couple of times I found out I was in over my head as I was striving to be the best therapist I could be.  I never saw that as selfish even when I was told “Bonnie, you don’t have to die so others can live.” That was at a time when I was stressed from putting too many hours into my practice.  When my family complained, I did eventually learn that others suffered if I didn’t take care of me and that they had needs of their own that I wasn’t available for.  I didn’t seriously look at those that needed me the most as being those I loved the most until it was called to my attention. Nor did I seriously look at giving too much at the office possibly being a selfish ego trip about my need to be needed and successful in the world.

How many times have I taken a chairmanship of something having expectations of everyone wanting to do the Bonnie show only to be disappointed and resentful when things didn’t go my way? I am chairman of a group now and everyone has a copy of the guidelines I created and they agreed to.

However, at least once a month someone doesn’t follow the guidelines. And my thinking is, it’s my group, I started it, people “should” follow my guidelines and at the very least let me know if they have a problem with doing so.  Notice the “should” in the last sentence.  When I “should” on people, they know it, even if I don’t say it, and inevitably there is a part of them that retaliates because they want to run their own show or do things their way. “Shoulding” on people is controlling as is telling them what they “need to do” or “ought to do”.  It’s like playing God and cutting off their will. However, an agreement is an agreement. When an agreement is broken, I resent the time it takes to deal with it. This is selfish of me because I am the chairman and others in the group count on me.  It is selfish of me not to want to deal with the needs of the group when it’s my responsibility to do so.

I joke sometimes and say I’m addicted to anything I like and if I like something it is not uncommon for me to want more than my share.  All too often I have loved what someone else has cooked and thought nothing about taking more than my share not even considering there might not be enough to go around.  I love pineapple and there is always a fruit plate at my Rotary meetings and you know who scarfs most of it on to her plate without thinking of others. So many ways selfish comes to light when I really look at it. Being moderate with some foods has to come from God because left to my own device’s others could starve.

I heard it said that if you really want to be generous giveaway something that is really important to you and I have done that.  But more often than not, I do not give as generous as I could, even to the charities that I care about and trust are legitimate. I can always find a more self-serving way to spend my money. I also have things I don’t share. For instance, I don’t let anyone outside of family drive my car unless it’s an emergency. And I don’t have others spend the night in my motor coach. At home, I purposely don’t have a guest room and there are some clothes and jewelry I keep a tight reign on. I guess that can be seen as possessive and selfish as well.

Certainly, I want to look good or be liked but how I go about that could be all about me. Particularly if I dominate a conversation and don’t invite others to have their say.  I do my best to be focused on being interested rather than interesting. However, I am not beyond never tooting my horn and not considering others.  I have to watch tooting my horn because it’s very easy for me to do, particularly if whom I’m talking to is pretty introverted or uninformed when it comes to my expertise.  With others who have big mouths, I tend to withdraw my voice and close down because I find it irritating.  So, not accepting others and wanting them to be the way I want them to be is not how I want to see myself and is a form of selfishness.  I would like to be accepting of them, regardless.

Finally, I am going to end this by saying that not reaching out to others in need, not nourishing a friendship or a potential friendship, or writing a thank you note or sending a birthday card because I am just too busy or can’t be bothered is selfish.  This is where looking at my priorities is really important. It is very easy to schedule my time with not so important behaviors and not remember to acknowledge others in ways that are meaningful to them.

It has been extremely helpful to look at how this defect of character shows up in my life. Without the awareness, I am not likely to take any action. I don’t need to be so concerned about me that my generosity takes a back burner.  It looks like there are several places where I can be more generous with others which is how I truly want to see myself and know it is my truth. I so grateful that there is always room for growth when I am working a good recovery program.