Let’s Talk About Marriage

If you have been following me you know I am very excited that my new book titled “The Wedding Gift” The Ultimate Companion For A Successful Marriage, has been published and can now be purchased on Amazon.com.

Mark Victor Hansen, one of the authors of the Chicken Soup Books planted the seed several years ago when he suggested on two different occasions that I get published knowing being published would give me more credibility as a Family Therapist who also did public speaking. At the time I was a busy therapist with a family and opted to wait until I had more time. Then several years ago when I was packing for the move to Arizona, my sister Suzie brought the book issue up after reading some things I had written that I was planning to throw away. She told me that so many people write books telling you what to do but they never tell you how to go about it. She concluded by telling me that I give people the information they really need and that inspires them to follow through because it’s something they can do. She suggested I write a book for people like her who can’t afford to go to people like me. Because I have spent all of my adult life learning and teaching what it takes to have a successful marriage, I chose to write a book that all partners in marriage could benefit from if they were willing to commit to a loving partnership. That being said, I believe I have the expertise that helps couples make it “till death do us part”. 

As much as I believe in love and marriage, I don’t think most couples that marry today are mature enough for marriage. But I also believe that however mature the couple already is, there is no better way to mature than learning and growing in love with someone you love.

The introductory words of most wedding ceremonies state: “All of us require and desire to love and to be loved.” But to understand what that means and to commit freely to choose to love yourself and your partner with commitment must be considered top priority. In writing this book I teach couples how to do just that. I believe my book can take any couple to a higher level of loving.

The journey I take couples on is not about doing the recommendations I make perfectly or even do the things I recommend. I encourage them to explore and find out what works best for them and their situation or they can choose to adopt one of my recommendations. It’s a one-step-at-a-time, one-situation-at-a-time journey in learning to grow in love as individuals and as partners in a loving coupleship.

No one learns to play the piano overnight. No one learns how to have a totally healthy loving relationship overnight either. Everything in nature has imperfections, and without our imperfections, we would be unnatural. So I encourage couples to be kind to themself and to their partner as they travel on this perfectly imperfect journey together being perfect in their imperfections. Both partners have the opportunity to learn tools at their own individual paces and grow as healthier individuals while creating an extraordinary partnership.

The book has 100 recommendations in support of a more mature loving partnership. As couples master the recommendations they are on the way to creating an amazing partnership by integrating the newly learned behaviors into their everyday lives.

Check out the following recommendation.

Recommendation:  Suspend Blaming Your Spouse for Anything.

No one likes to be blamed for anything, whether guilty or innocent. When spouses get into blaming their mates, they inevitably create a defensive reaction that can escalate into a full-blown power struggle about who’s right. Do you want to be right, or do you desire to be happy? Letting go of having to be right and the other wrong is a must in a loving relationship.

If you have a problem with your spouse’s behavior and feel like blaming, do the blaming on paper. Exaggerate your reaction on paper. Get it all out on the paper. When you’re done expressing your anger, hurt, sadness, and fear on paper, think about what you desire and then shred the paper. Then respectfully express your feelings to your spouse something like the following example.

Example

(Stated like a fact) “I noticed you didn’t write who the checks were made out to on five check stubs this month. I’d like you to start doing that. I get irritated when I have to spend time figuring out who a check is written to. When you don’t remember the recipient of the check when I ask, it makes figuring out who gets paid what at the end of the month more difficult for me. Would you be willing to make an effort to fill in who the check was payable to?”

Action Plan

Find at least one irritant you have with your partner and see if you can state it without blame. After practicing the no blame recommendation for a week, make a date to talk about how easy or difficult it was for you to not blame each other. Acknowledge yourself and each other if you were able to bring to your partner’s attention at least one irritation in a way that felt respectful. Ask if how you responded came across as respectful. Talk about what you thought worked and didn’t work for both of you. What you think you could have done better. If something is hard to hear and you feel blamed, say so. Ouch is a good word that says it hurts. A hurt means you desire something, and the desire that feels respectful can be explored when love is the intention. And be sure to acknowledge each other for all efforts, no matter how small. Hugs are a great way to acknowledge each other. So much intimacy can be created by this one recommendation. This work takes courage. I encourage you to value your marriage and muster up the courage to give this recommendation your best shot.