Regarding the dates with the next five men.
Let’s just say that none of the dates with the next five men resulted in a permanent match, although each one had qualities that were attractive. I think what is more important to say is that this particular dating web service did not follow through with finding me appropriate matches and I had a few lessons to learn that greatly impacted my self-esteem.
The following are my experiences of these five men.
The first date had no interest in dating someone my age. His life was his work and he told me he was manipulated into signing up for this dating service by friends. Not once did he ask anything about me and in talking about himself he told me he never dated a woman more than once or twice. We concluded the date agreeing that this relationship was not going to go any further than the restaurant that we were presently in. I remember thinking that was too bad because he was a good-looking guy.
The second man was way too judgmental and way too angry for me. He lived in Tucson which is a couple of hours south of where I live. While we were having our meal an extremely obese woman, which he criticized harshly, walked into the restaurant and was seated. He had many unkind words to say about her weight and her character, not knowing her character, but assuming. When I questioned him further about the women who lived in the area where he lived, he told me most of them were fat dumpy women who he wouldn’t be caught dead with. I asked why. And he responded by asking me if I would date a fat man. I told him yes. I then went on to tell him I had a lot in common with fat people, that I used to be eighty pounds more than I am now. Being irritated with his attitude, I proceeded to tell him “I am not my body” and if body size is that important to you I am not the lady for you. I cannot guarantee anyone I will consistently be a healthy weight tomorrow or twenty years from now”. I knew right then his attitude was a deal breaker for me and having to be a trophy for this old guy was not for me. When he asked for a second date I declined. But that wasn’t the end of him. He emailed me later that day wanting me to blame the dating agency for sending him on a date two hours from his home. He wanted me to agree with him that they should never have done that. He told me he wanted his money back. I refused because I was not concerned with how far he had to drive and saying so would have been a lie. I sent the email to the company. I had no further contact with him with no regrets.
The next two men were sweet guys and one of them I dated more than once but we weren’t a match. We were both Rotarians and we went to a few Rotary events together, but other than that we had very little in common. I knew at some point if I kept dating him I would be leading him on and he would be hurt. I also knew he cared for me more than I was comfortable with. We talked about it and agreed to keep our relationship a friendship about Rotary. To the other one I told him I had a nice time but I never said I’d like to see him again and neither did he. I think we both knew we were not a match.
So now I am going to write about the 5th guy.
He was a big man with a bigger than life personality. In the beginning, I enjoyed him because he was so much fun and so funny. I was courted to the hilt: presents, fine dining dinners, lots of laughs, contact every day was to be expected. His adoration for me was overwhelming which was a red flag I could have paid more attention to. However, I liked it more than I wanted to question it. It felt good to be in what I call “in the honeymoon stage” of a relationship. My friends loved him and believed he was just what I needed because his behavior toward me was so adoring. He actually proposed, way too soon for me to be at that point, and went out of his way to let me know, and my friends know, he was going to marry me someday.
However, as time went on more was revealed. The honeymoon stage was followed by disappointing realities. His stories didn’t jive. All too often he didn’t keep his word and I found myself mistrusting his behavior and listening to too many excuses that didn’t ring true. My final journey with number five was a trip to Hawaii. He was jealous of a man who talked to me at a dinner table for eight and expressed it by bashing my career. The next night and again at a dinner table for eight, he made uncalled for fun of my recovery from food addiction in front of women who were eating rich deserts that I chose not to eat. His words were very hurtful. I have a few below the belt areas that I like having respected and he managed to zing me on two of them. The third and fourth may have been how I mothered my kids or putting down my parents in some hurtful way but he didn’t know me in those areas. At this point, I just knew that this was not going to be a honeymoon like vacation.
When we got back to the room, without blasting him, although a part of me wanted to, I let him know where I stood. I let him know I have too much respect for myself to continue to put myself in harm’s way of the variety of disrespect I had experienced lately. I told him the last couple of evenings were the final straw. He didn’t question or challenge me. He did admit to being jealous. I agreed to be cordial to him until we got off the ship, and I insisted on the same. Otherwise, I told him I was willing to get off the ship at the next stop and fly home. I made it clear he understood that. He said he wanted to finish the cruise with me and agreed to be cordial. Although being cordial the rest of the cruise was uncomfortable. Had he not already paid for some of the tours prior to getting on the ship he might have hopped a flight from one of the next ports. I managed to take care of me and enjoy the cruise and the people I met.
What I thought was the final upset was not the final upset, however. The final upset happened on one of the tours he had paid for prior to us going on the cruise. He got a phone call during the tour and I couldn’t help but hear him screaming at whoever he was talking to. As I listened I suspected it might be a woman. When he got off the phone, I looked him straight in his eyes and said, “your married aren’t you”? He admitted he was. All I could do was shake my head, give him a look of disapproval and walk away. I was truly disappointed and disgusted and I know my body language showed it. I didn’t have to say a word. I wanted off the ship, away from him, to be home alone with my little Maltese fur babies Diamond and Dash. When I got home, which was two days later, I grabbed my luggage out of the limo and walked into my house. Good-bye ended the relationship.
I wrote a letter to the dating agency the following day, not demanding my money back even though this relationship with them was very expensive in more ways than one and they failed to follow through with what they claimed to do. The money wasn’t near as important as the lessons I learned with all these men; and as a result of buying the sales pitch of the dating agency, I learned a lot about me. I joined at a time when I wasn’t emotionally ready; I didn’t listen to that voice inside that told me never to sign anything under pressure. I ended my relationship with the dating agency a year before my written contract was up; I didn’t want them to send more dates my way. It was written in the contract I wouldn’t get my money back after a certain date and that date had passed.
As I Look Back
As I look back at all my experiences that I have shared with you, I have realized even vulnerable, I can hold my own and take care of me. In my letter to the dating service, I held them accountable for not following through on their promises. I had a right to hold them accountable. I wrote it in a very professional way. They had told me they did background checks on everyone. It was part of the sales pitch. A background check on this man would have shown he was married. I held them accountable for lacking in integrity in selling their product. I never heard from the dating service again.
This is now 2018 and my last blog entry was written in 2016. I do not know why I stopped writing blogs. I can only tell you that since then I did meet someone I call my significant other and companion. We have been growing together in love and in friendship for almost two years now. Perhaps aspects of our relationship will show up on what I will be writing about from here on.
I owe my life to my 12 Step Program of Recovery based on The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. Had I not already experienced significant recovery in my recovery program, I know I wouldn’t have taken near the care of me, as I did, in any of these dates. I have no doubt that without my program I would be as sick or sicker than the man who had to lie, cheat and bully his way to control me.
But also, as you will see, I got back into writing; and what is important for me to share with you now, will follow.
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