THE SERENITY PRAYER

The Serenity Prayer

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference”.

 

Serenity is defined as peaceful, calm, untroubled, and clear.  It’s a beautiful state of mind that allows for a loving heart to feel blessed with the love that touches the soul and for the loving heart to spread love all around them.

Walking into my first recovery meeting I was introduced to this prayer. I had no idea what serenity was.  Coming from a childhood of violence and abuse I was filled with anxiety, self-doubt, and fear.  I lacked confidence in most everything I attempted.  My mother and father had a violent relationship and food became my God at a very young age.  In my teens, my parents divorced after a five-year custody battle. I had to testify against my alcoholic mother and the court awarded custody of me and my younger brother to my alcoholic mother. During the time of the divorce, my phone calls to my dad were recorded, my teachers were called into court, and I never knew when I came home from school if I was going to find my mother alive since there had been many attempts and threats of suicide.

At fourteen my dad bought a high-end restaurant and cocktail lounge and was able to get custody of my brother and me. He also remarried a beautiful Scandinavian blond with 2 young children. I adored my new stepmother much more than she adored me. I had to give up my bedroom for a much smaller room. I was overweight and extremely insecure and self-conscience. I didn’t like giving up my room but I would never have said anything. I remember thinking maybe now I am going to have a happy family so I swallowed down whatever disappointments came my way. I felt I had to so as not to make waves and have the happy family I fantasized about.  I was the oldest and no matter what, I was to know better.

When my dad won the final custody battle and started a new family for my brother and me, I was immediately expected to be alright. The truth was, my emotional issues got buried under a lot of peanut butter and chocolate so I hid the shame that comes when you are in a family where appearances mean more than facing reality. I never really felt loved even when I was told I was. Dad had a new family, and in a few years, I was expected to be gone. Dad left raising me to his new wife and she was twenty-five when I was fourteen. I never felt like I was really wanted in this family; it was more like dad had a responsibility and I strived to do right to get his love and approval. Wearing extra protection on my body that I couldn’t lose made me a continuous target for ridicule from the family and the kids at school.  No matter how much better I was doing in school or how popular I was, my looks were what was focused on.  My fat body always stood in the way of my dad, or anyone, ever really knowing me and kept me from feeling like I had a dad that truly loved me. It also kept me from really knowing me.

During those few years before I left for college, I graduated to alcohol and cigarettes too. Little did I know the consequences of those decisions would lead to addiction.  If I had would that have stopped me?  I doubt it, it didn’t stop my parents, my stepmother or my brother. They all partook in those behaviors until their related diseases led to their passing.  Caring about health in those years was not my priority. Having friends and having fun was. My substances gave me the green flag to eat, drink, and party in ways that made me popular with the friends I chose because of my personality. To me those friends were my saviors from my family, who I knew no matter what I did, I would not measure up to the standards that would get me family approval. I was fortunate to never have gotten into serious legal trouble drinking even though there were times I deserved to.

It was my job to look good for the family and behave way beyond my age.  I wore my pain on my body. I was put on prescription speed at fourteen years old; the hope was the symptom, my fat, would disappear and the family would look like a perfect family. I was starving for love and like a lot of young people I was looking in all the wrong places and those I really cared about didn’t know what to do other than shame me. I still struggle at times today when I feel criticized harshly by people I care about. I still have the tendency to work too hard at doing well and be smart because I heard way too many times what a jack ass I was, and that I don’t know my ass from the hole in the ground. I definitely have progressed in being healthier in those areas.

It wasn’t until I had children of my own and they were already in school that I chose a life dedicated to recovery.  Unfortunately, in the early years of motherhood, my children did not get the best of me. For me, the shift to spiritual dependency has been a gradual one.  I had to put down, the alcohol: I had to quit smoking and I had to find a healthy food plan that kept me from compulsive overeating. I had to be willing to receive the support offered me.  I had to allow people to love me the ways I needed to be loved. I had to follow directions from those who had success stories, go through the withdrawals of everything I let go of, as well as, and make significant lifestyle changes. It has taken a lot of time and consistent commitment. It was not always easy but I wanted out of the hell hole of shame I felt that nobody ever really knew about.

Thank God, I have never relapsed with alcohol; I have been sober for more than thirty years. With cigarettes, I relapsed once and that was over thirty years ago. With food, I have relapsed several times. I couldn’t just quit eating, like quitting drinking and smoking. Food is my primary addiction and I actually gained weight in the first couple of years in recovery. I made myself, with help, keep doing the best I could in spite of numerous failures. I also went through two treatment programs that dealt with my history of abuse.  I had to get to know me and build on loving me.  As I progressed I was able to release both emotional and physical weight.

I tried many food plans that came from many sources.  Some from others in my recovery program.  Some from nutritionists and those promoted by many of the experts who claim to have found the ideal diet.  For years I went from one plan to the next expecting amazing results in the beginning only to be disappointed when no amount of control could consistently make me stick to the suggested food plan. It took me a year and a half to believe at a heart level that I was in the clutches of a cunning and baffling disease and no amount of willpower or “diet” was going to meet with success.

One day I had lunch with an author by the name of Bob Schwartz.  He had written a book called “Diets Don’t Work. When I first met Bob Schwartz, I introduced myself to him as a neurotic thin person. I was probably close to anorexic at the time with the mentality that there was no such thing as too thin”.  After having lunch with me, he told me I wasn’t a neurotic thin person.  He said, “you’re a psychotic thin person”.  I laughed and made light of it but have come to believe he was right because all my attempts to lose weight were based on a diet mentality. I always gained the weight back when I could no longer white-knuckle whatever diet I was trying to hold onto.

I have studied health and nutrition at nauseum searching for some plan that would consistently work for me. I appreciate the education and studies that have proven that a plant based-whole grain food plan is better than eating high amounts of meat products. I appreciate learning all the pros and cons about sugar and too many unhealthy carbs and too much fat. I have learned from everything I have tried and I appreciate the contributions all the experts have made in the field of nutrition.  Much of what I have learned is in alignment with my food sponsor, who I now choose to call God. Without a doubt, I believe that God absolutely knows what foods are in my best interest. It took time for me to believe I had a God that cared about what I put in my body. I get daily guidance and do my best to choose foods that are right for me to eat and amounts that are right for me.  Am I perfect at listening to that power within? No! I say I am perfectly imperfect.

I accept that compulsive overeating is a disease that tells me at times it’s okay to partake in what I call my alcoholic foods that lead to a binge.  Then once I do partake I can’t stop until misery steps in. Then, feeling totally disgusted with myself, I start again just like an alcoholic would completing one binge and starting on another.

Food has so many attachments.  Day after day someone or something is trying to sell me on shoving food down my gullet that isn’t good for me.  It isn’t just the commercials on television or ads in the paper; it’s also friends who I know care about me but think just one bite or a small piece wouldn’t hurt me. They think food is love but I doubt that they would encourage a recovering alcoholic a shot of scotch or a drug addict a shot of heroin. It takes courage to be different and from time to time I have my challenges.

It has been years since I have binged and I pray each day to honor the gift of abstaining from compulsive overeating because for me it is a gift. I committed to doing the work and to give back what I have been given to those who still suffer. I am committed to asking for help when I need it. I am still a work in progress and I don’t take what I have been given for granted.  But there are times I do test to see what I can get away with. However, if I eat something and I feel the pull to have more; I recoil and recommit to what I know works.  Sometimes certain foods get too important and when I become aware of it, again, I recoil and I take an action step in another direction reaffirming my commitment.

With my friends I don’t drink alcoholically, I don’t smoke and I don’t eat what I call my alcoholic foods.  Where I live, letting go of these behaviors is not the norm. Recently, I was on a Holistic Holiday at Sea Cruise and opted to eat vegan while on the cruise. I consider myself a student when it comes to health and I do my best to follow where I am guided.  I had had thoughts of becoming a vegan. I like to think of myself as teachable, however. On that cruise, I took a cooking class.  At the beginning of the class, the instructor asked what our most difficult problem was.  When it was my turn to respond I said, “I live in a country club setting and I am the chairperson of a fine dining group that goes to a high-end restaurant once a month”.  The instructor said, “say no more” leading me to believe she understood that in my country club setting, alcohol and unhealthy eating was the norm, not being a vegan.  And she was right. There certainly are no vegans among my country club friends. And, sometimes I must admit I get indulging thoughts to be like everyone else and not care what I swallow down. They are just thoughts. It takes courage and commitment to abstain at times but thanks to my loving sponsor and my recovery brothers and sisters I only have yens, and occasional thoughts and nothing I have done, in a very long time, has sent me into a binge leading to a relapse. Mostly now I don’t want those problem foods.

I have definitely learned that I can’t change others, only me, and I didn’t just stop trying to change other people, places or things cold turkey either.  I didn’t just let yesterday be yesterday or all the yesterdays before that be as they were and “Let Go and Let God”. I had a list of resentments and fears that came from a history of trauma and harsh criticism and I had work to do before I could experience any form of serenity.

When a child is violated and shamed and has no place to deal effectively with the feelings associated with the incident the body, mind, and spirit, pay the price or they take their feelings out on others. I have done both. Those feelings had to be felt in a safe environment and all who caused me harm had to be forgiven including me. I have had a lot of grieving to go through and I have had amends to make. I had to take responsibility for my part, if I had a part, and forgive me, as well as, those who I felt hurt and shamed me.  I may have adopted behaviors that saved me way back when I lived in a war zone of parental violence and with the help of others and the work I have done, I continuously pray those days are over.

Many of those behaviors are not conducive to how I choose to live my life today. There is a phrase I joke about that gets a laugh from my friends when we are or they are in a judgmental conversation.  The phrase I identify with is; “Nobody has ever lived their life the way I have wanted them to, including me”.  To me, that phrase helps me have more compassion for others and myself and stops me from carrying on about another’s shortcomings in a conversation and keeps me from holding on to grudges. It’s also a good time for me to remember to say the Serenity prayer.

Prior to recovery, “The Serenity Prayer” was blocked by a history of compulsive overeating, alcohol, cigarettes and emotional turmoil.  With much support so much of yesterday is over.  I no longer have to carry the load of all my yesterdays.  This gives me the freedom of living a very serene and peaceful existence today. On occasion, something shows up like someone criticizing me harshly and my body reacts like someone just poked a sword in my chest and my serenity seems to disappear. I’m sure you all have feelings where you want to either attack or get yourself far away from the perpetrator. I don’t attack anymore but sometimes I do distance myself sometimes forever, or sometimes, until I can trust the words that come out of my mouth not to take away another’s dignity. If I stay with the feeling I can often feel the calm of my God behind the storm and I know I am safe. And I say, thank you God.  Sometimes I have to gripe a bit before I feel that calm and for this writer, I get there by what I call puking on paper and let the tantrum of words I refuse to put on another come out on a new document on my computer or in my daily journal. I believe my God can handle my tantrum. It’s important to me to get that negativity out of my body.

There is always a certain amount of planning that I have to do that has to do with self-care, financial obligations, commitments, etc., and there are so many things I don’t have to worry about when it comes to tomorrow and all the tomorrows.  I cannot change what the President of the United States does and I can’t make a bad guy be good or another addict be sober.  I can’t stop the sun from shining or make anyone of my friends or family love me the way I want to be loved or live their lives as I would want them to. If I don’t want to pay the consequences I’d better pay my taxes.

Complying for the purpose of attempting to avoid conflict or disapproval with anyone too much means I run the risk of losing myself.  If I get controlling for the purpose of trying to change others by instilling, guilt and fear I can end up in a power struggle, with more pain, more anger and create more distance.  If I become indifferent and withdraw, shutting down “all” doors to working out a conflict at the very least I am creating distance. These are all manipulating behaviors to get a desired result that doesn’t work if what I am working toward is a serene and loving lifestyle.  All these manipulations lead to negative consequences and do not increase or lead to a serene quality of life. I choose to be serene today. Each day I say the say the serenity prayer several times.

For me, this prayer was a beginning to a lifelong journey of learning and growing in love.  My decision-making process has changed me from following a lifestyle of self-destruction to a journey of many challenging experiences, new knowledge, and desirous of learning. Most important to me is the faith and trust I now have in a power greater than myself.  Once again, I call that power God.  And each day, I have but one purpose.  To strive to come from a place of love, for myself, for you, and for God.  And when challenges appear I know where to go and what to do. I have many hands to hold and one that is bigger than all the rest and in the process, I carry the wisdom of that which I have been given.  For this I am grateful.